Get fed up with tripping over your art easel and violin case. You’re running out of space for new paintings, photos, and keepsakes. Never fear that you lack the money to purchase a decent living space. Any level 3 career will do.
Announce to no one that you are moving. Select a house or apartment on your smartphone or personal computer in a matter of minutes. Don’t fret about your stuff; it will go into your ‘family inventory’ for easy placement or sale later. Nothing will get lost. Gauge how much money you’ll have left over, the way you paid a deposit in Boulder, discharged any fees, and hired movers to wrap your furniture in plastic gauze and drive it 1.5 miles away from your old home.
Make the change an instant after selecting your desired lot. You won’t need to clean, trash odd items from past tenants, or spend the entire moving day doing a precleaning to get a $35 “shucks we’re sorry” refund from your new property management company. Coincidentally, they are rated 1* on Yelp.
Once you arrive, snap all your furniture to a grid. If you must reorient your furniture, you can do so by clicking a single button. You can recolor items that don’t match using the ‘swatch’ tool. Use your remaining money to fill out the empty space within seconds. You never have to fit your furniture through awkward 1900s doors without ruining the doorjamb. No need to spend three hours sitting on every chair in the furniture store. Nor will you have to undergo the upselling attempts of a scraggly salesman. The furniture will last until you want it to—no worries about the pleather chair beginning to peel within six months.
If you choose to deplane from your relationship, it’s easy. Select whichever Sim wants to go. The household funds will be divided in half, as will the furniture. You can decide who keeps the house and who leaves. It’s not like he tells you that you have three and a half days to move out because he’s going home for Thanksgiving, like you have less than $400 in your checking account and rack up more than $1000 in postage because you haven’t the time to hire movers—not like you have to throw every ounce of your life on a bonfire of vanities to spare his pain. At the end, once the charity comes to pick up your accoutrements from the porch, it will be like those five years never even happened.
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Maria S. Picone has an M.F.A. from Goddard College. She often writes about adoptee issues. Her prose appears in Monday Night Lit, Kreaxxxion, and The Mark Literary Review. Her Twitter is @mspicone.